


Nothing Happens Until Something Moves

by Bingalala



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Age Difference, Angst with a Happy Ending, Complicated Relationships, Drama & Romance, Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-05 22:35:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13397703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bingalala/pseuds/Bingalala
Summary: Minseok adores Sehun and his complexities from a safe distance. Sehun is straight after all, or so he thinks.





	1. I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You

ONE: I Hope That I Don't Fall In Love With You

 

Nobody who knew Oh Sehun would say that he was particularly sensitive or even kind. It wasn't that he went out of his way to be rude but he wouldn't go out of his way to be friendly to you either. It wasn't entirely Sehun’s fault - when you were born with that kind of a face, and brains to boot, you were a genetic wonder. It went out like an ill conceived mating call all around him. It would make sense that the overtness of it all would make a particularly quiet boy more introverted as he would grow older. Then again, he was hardly old. Sehun had come to CERN at the age of 18 - already half done with his doctoral thesis. Seven years later, he was still here. Defying the stereotyping of burning out one often associated with active physicists and researchers. Sehun has a routine. He works out. He goes skiing - with or without colleagues to Flaine, at the Alps. He visits South of France. He goes to the Carribeans to swim, and work out mental  kinks. Once a year, he teaches a semester at whatever university that appeals to him. There are no rhyme or reason to his choices, although it doesn't hurt the school or him to be associated with each other. His first year he had gone to Boston, the next, to Munich and it had snowballed from there. Now, his colleagues took bets to see where Oh Sehun would teach next. Until he was 20, they also assumed that the genius also practiced the monastic abstinence scientists like Tesla and Newton were known for. He is certainly smart enough, and odd enough to do it. They had teased the young man mercilessly, in hopes of getting an answer but Sehun had always shrugged it off. Never confirming or denying it. They probably would have kept doing it, none being the wiser, until one of their colleagues had gone to an edgy bar they never frequented usually as a part of their bachelor party (let's face it, edgy wasn't the way to go when you worked crazy hours at a lab, and only could get away randomly, after meeting relationship and family obligations). There, sat the overgrown form of Oh Sehun in a couch at the corner. They would have gone up to say hi, except a stunning, inky haired girl was on his lap, kissing him- doing her best to almost crawl under his skin, while he sat, like a benevolent tsar with her straddling his lap. She had mewled, he had carried her out, with her legs around his waist, without looking at them once. Everyone had sort of deflated that day. Until then, they were all sure that despite his brains, looks and height, his obvious awkwardness kept him from enjoying companionship of any kind - of female or male variety. It had been a source of comfort to them, oddly. Here he was, carrying out an incredibly attractive woman, from one of the hottest bars in Geneva, looking like he fit in, effortlessly. And, he had a black leather jacket. What physicist wore leather jackets? Where was the justice there? So the jokes had stopped. If Sehun had known why, he hadn't indicated to anybody. But, for all they knew, he didn't really notice because he didn't care to notice. It was Oh Sehun after all.

 

What nobody understood though was why he was still at the CERN. He was well known. People associated him with the cool side of physics. A rockstar physicist, if you may. He could easily go to one of the private labs with unlimited funding, head it. Still teach at different universities. Just generally make more money with less red tape and restrictions (not that be made any less here) but the man had been here eight years now. Maybe he liked his routine.

  


“Still working on the PbPb collision research?” a bottle of Stella was lowered in front of him, on a coaster labelled Big Bang Theory. The show, Sehun imagine. He watched as the the smaller man pushed his slightly overgrown inky hair off his forehead and secured it with a hairband before sliding next to him. Sehun had shrugged. The cat like eyes tilted with laughter, before turning on the television. “Ah Sehunnie, a fount of information, as ever,” he had laughed before turning on the television. It was such a rare sight, to see the older man without his horn rimmed glasses, Sehun looked a moment longer, because, aesthetics. “Minseok Hyung, my research is as interesting to you as your research on cloud technology is to me. Which is to say, not at all,” he shrugged. “We haven't seen each other in a few days. Let's talk about interesting things and watch this movie, Hyung,” he folded himself in a little bit more on the couch, reaching for his Stella. Anyone else would probably be insulted at Sehun’s blunt declaration but they hadn't known him since he was eighteen, while both of them were attempting to assimilate into a different culture and a different country. Minseok had been 23, just headhunted from Caltech for his work on cloud technology. Dr. Kim Minseok or Minseok Kim, he guesses, had arrived approximately a year before Oh Sehun had arrived. He was a Korean transplant in the US, and from there to Geneva so the concept of home and even family had become somewhat blurry even at 24. The gangly rainbow haired Korean American boy genius had woken up something in him. Somehow, he had found himself taking care of him. Maybe at first it was because Minseok missed speaking the same language or feeling some sort of kinship. Humans were after all, pack animals, sociologically.  But then, he got to know Sehun. It became something more. Sehun, who ignores the world but would come to him in a second if Minseok needed something. The Sehun who made it a habit to speak pure hangul with Minseok, because he missed the language. He looked at the angles and shadows of the younger man’s face, cast in sharp contrast against the neon light from the t.v. in Minseok’s darkened sitting room. Hard to believe how much he had grown. Back then it had been soft cheeks, gangly limbs and rainbow hair. Minseok remembers that first year when Sehun had arrived at his apartment with groceries. He would celebrate Chuseok with Minseok. It was a lovely thought except, Sehun really didn't know much about Chuseok, not having celebrated it in his third generation Korean American family. He made the effort, assuming that his newly found Hyung would be lonely otherwise. Since then, it had become their thing. He spoke Hangul fluently, now with a distinctly Gyeonggi accent, having picked that up from Minseok. It amused the very American Oh family.

 

Professor and Mrs. Oh were very proud of their progeny even if they didn't quite understand him. Professor Oh taught classical music. Mrs. Oh was a stay at home mother in a nice suburb, with the PTA and a front lawn and swimming pool.  All their other kids followed the entrepreneurial routes and settled down with that requisite 2.5 kid route. A genius physicist in their midst was an anomaly. Neither parties  knew what to do with the other, even if there was that awkward kind of love. Sehun had been torn away from them by his own genius at such a young age that he felt like a triangular peg in their circular family board. However he went back every Christmas for exactly three days and sat through Christmas parades, gift exchange and rabid nephew and nieces on crack (his words, not Minseok’s) dutifully. Chuseok was with his Hyung, no matter where he was in the world. But didn't Minseok understand that sense of alienation too? His parents had split up when he was very young, with Minseok being tossed around from relatives to relatives. They had both gone on to marry and form new families. He had half siblings out there he barely knew. So, Minseok had worked hard to get out of Seoul and start fresh and he had. Now, he received calls from them once a year. The distance was comfortable. Maybe that was why he clung to Sehun to form his own unit. He had none other on his own.

 

He turned to look at the younger man, whose hair too was slightly overgrown and falling into his eyes. Minseok pushed his hair back from his face, causing Sehun to look at him with those intensely dark eyes.  “you need a haircut Sehunnie. Those model looks won't hold up on their own,” Sehun had shrugged, “it would hold for a few more days until I get a chance to go to the city,” - no regular suburban salon for Sehun. Minseok had laughed. “Maybe you could ask the girl you're seeing for a trim Sehunnie,” he had teased knowing Sehun would slit his throat before letting someone untrained touch his hair. “I don't see people Hyung, we have sex and then we go our own way and nobody is touching my hair unless they have a degree in hairstyling,” he had muttered direly before shifting his attention back to the the sci fi on screen. Minseok handed him the bowl of popcorn he had brought with him and sipped his own Stella. Another thing about Sehun was his use of gender neutral terms for his partners. Minseok knows he does it for him. Minseok is quietly gay. It doesn't mean he's in the closet - just that he doesn't advertise it. His last relationship was with a Chinese software developer that didn't go quite as he would like a year back. Since then, he had taken a sabbatical from it all, other than the occasional anonymous sex. He was taking a stock of his life at 30. Sehun, when he had first come, had somewhat imprinted on Minseok, not unlike a duckling. When they had met, Minseok had told him quite early into their relationship that he was gay. The boy was quiet and then, a few days later, tried to tell him that he likes men too. Minseok had gently explained to Sehun that he didn't need to say it to Minseok simply for the sake of having something in common with him. He was Sehun’s Hyung and would always care for him regardless of their different preferences. The young boy had given him a deeply intense look but had never brought it up again but still stubbornly refused to refer to his partners by a fixed pronoun.

 

“Ah Sehunnie, time you found yourself a nice girl, sex isn't everything,” he admonished, laughing, knowing that Sehun hates these lectures the most. It was his mother's favorite topic. He could see the younger man’s brows furrow for a second before smoothing out. “I will find a partner once Hyung settled down,” he said evenly before sliding down on the couch to be more comfortable. “Age before beauty,” he tacked on, causing both of them to dissolve into laughter again. Minseok sprawled down more, while Sehun used his lap as a pillow, both lost in the film. Minseok chuckled again, unable to put off the ring of conviction that was in Sehun’s tone when he had answered.

  


A/N: Hi! The name is taken from a Tom Waits song. The name of the story is an Einstein quote defining  E=MC^2. I always wanted to write a Minseok/Sehun fic but I keep on getting distracted. But I figured I'll start this one today. Let me know if you like it.

 


	2. Super Far

****

TWO: Super Far

****  
  


Sehun is in love with Kim Minseok. Has been since he was eighteen, lost and awkward and a male version of Snow White had come up to him and enveloped him in a kind of care he had learned to crave since. Palest skin and hair like squid ink. He was sure there were more romantic adjectives but it was like squid ink to him - mysterious and beautiful. He hadn't been expecting it, this sudden nosedive into love. It's a painful business trying to keep it all in. Plus, the Hyung didn't see him as anything other than a younger male to baby so Sehun had done what his analytical mind had told him - he had backed off but, the feelings stayed, growing stronger with each passing year. It was this feeling that kept him from getting his own lab with a private company looking to diversify. It was this feeling that had him rush back home every Chuseok no matter what part of the world he was in. Yet, Sehun also knew that he was in this thing alone. Minseok had been very graphic in his disavowal. His Hyung would be cruel when he wanted to be - maybe he didn't see it like that but it has been. For an eighteen years old to come out to someone for the first time? It was scary. If it was someone he likes, it's far scarier. When that person chooses to ignore your heartfelt words, there wasn't much one could do about it but take it as it had been handed out. It had been an out handed to him by Kim Minseok who didn't want to hear what Sehun had to say. Sehun had accepted it. 

Minseok not only chose to ignore Sehun’s coming out, he had taken up with a scientist a few weeks after. A startlingly beautiful man, he never really had problem finding partners. A head’s up of course would have been nice, since Sehun had come back from a conference early, straight to Minseok’s apartment at night and, had to hear them. All that intellect, he still laughs now, yet his mind had gone blank at that point. Sehun could only hear them have raw, animalistic sex while he stayed rooted to the ground of the living room - unable to move. He could hear moans, dirty words and the litany of it intertwined with Mr. Brightside playing at the back of his mind. No. Sehun had never been super subtle. He could only move when he had heard Minseok’s throaty laugh, coming out of his daze like a spell being broken. Then, he had slowly tiptoed out - calmly recounting the principles of string theories at the back of his mind until the taxi had taken him home. Sehun had just as calmly stowed away his luggage. Then, he had gone to the bathroom and had thrown up, sick to his stomach. Once he was done, he had taken a shower and gotten ready. Sehun had brought a girl home for the first time that night. Then, a man a few days after. He had been older, kinder - understanding of Sehun's absolute lack of knowledge and had taught him a lot. They even had a friends with benefits relationship of sorts as well for months - until it fizzled out to just friends. Last he checked, his friend was happily living with a partner of 4 years. Sehun always sends them flowers on his anniversary, a trait he had learned from his mother. He was always on good terms with his former partners - both males and females. It was easy to be friends when you had no emotional investments. 

Even in the midst of that heartbreak, that never really healed (Sehun figures he's like a hawk or maybe a swan - one mate per lifetime), he hadn't really lost that ironclad hold on his self control, that made him so good in labs. Sehun had carried on. That's not to say he didn't occasionally think that Minseok had a streak of cruelty in him despite all of his kindness - because nobody can be that blind. Sehun literally dropped everything to be at his side whenever Minseok crooked his finger and called - but this was the man he was programmed to love by chemicals, designs and some form of pre-programmed butterfly effect of sort. There was no recovering from it. He thought that again the last time Minseok had his ex boyfriend over. They were watching a romantic comedy, since his boyfriend at that time had a fondness for the genre. Minseok Hyung had kissed the man full on his mouth, murmuring words of affection before it turned into a full makeout fest. Minseok wasn't really into PDA but sometimes, it occurred to Sehun that perhaps to Minseok, Sehun was comfortable - just there - a part of the living room furniture. He had sat through for about 15 minutes of the torture before getting up to lazily wave at them to carry on while he let himself out. That was the last time Sehun had been available for third wheeling. When Minseok had asked him why he didn't come around for movie nights - he had answered that he didn't like third wheeling. Minseok had asked him to bring a date the next time. He might have but then, things ended with this boyfriend. His Hyung has now imposed a vow of single hood on himself, trying to figure out what he wanted. Sehun knew better. Minseok was a serial monogamist, looking to shower someone with all the love in his heart. This would perhaps last for another month or so. Then there will be a meet cute. A relationship. Then, the inevitable ending. It was the cycle of life his grandparents talked about. Sehun was an atheist but he could still see the parallel in repeats. If people talked about Deja vu, this was Jamais vu - never seen. Minseok never saw the cyclic routine he spun himself into. Sehun was just a third party observer in this story. What right did he have to point anything out?

Here he lay, torturing himself, surrounded by Minseok’s scent, being saturated by it all, while the man in question contently ran his fingers through Sehun's hair, petting it at times like he was a puppy - the sad part was, in Minseok’s eyes he probably wasn't any different than a puppy. After all, didn't he run in blind show of obedience every time the older man beckoned? The movie played in the background, an ASMR of sorts in this dreamlike atmosphere that tortured Sehun even as it drew him in further. Not even the continuous explosions on the television could change that - it was as if he was underwater, and everything else was happening on the periphery. Minseok was lost in the action, his face thrown in stark relief against the flickering lights in the darkened room. It was a youthful, beautiful face. Sehun had seen many youthful, beautiful faces. Some far more beautiful than man whose lap he currently lay on. However, they weren't this man. They were this face. Sehun knew he would never get over it. Never get over him. He sighed. The protagonist was swimming, trying to get away from the explosion. Minseok for his superior intellect, loved everything exploding for some reason - something that often baffled Sehun (Which is why he was watching this Michael Bay film in the first place). The protagonist looked like he was about to drown, overwhelmed by the currents, by things surrounding him. For some reason, Sehun had never understood a man more than he did now. No matter how much he swam to get away from it all, he was pulled back down to drown in this love. Even swimming, Sehun didn't do a very good job of it consciously. He didn't know if he even wanted to try to escape. 

His eyes drifted off to sleep, away from the thoughts, in a dreamless nap, with Minseok still stroking his head. When he came to, the movie was long over. Minseok had tucked a blanket around him and had gone off to bed, himself. Sehun noticed that his Hyung had even taken off his shoes. It was around 2 in the morning. There has been countless nights like this when Sehun had stayed over- to an extent that this apartment felt more of a home to him than his own did at times. Being here now though, Sehun felt as if he couldn't breathe. He was that guinea pig on the wheel, his class had owned in the fourth grade. He was the fish stuck alone in the fish bowl his brother had raised until it had died and had to be flushed away. He was that lone pigeon at his windowsill that forgot how to find a warm place in winter and had almost frozen to death. Sehun had brought in the dumb bird and now they cohabited in a state of mutual distrust. Tesla lived in relative luxury with Sehun, all the while ignoring his existence. Sehun wouldn't have it any other way. Even when he was away, a lady came in to fill his feeder and clean thrice a week so at least the evil bird was looked after. So maybe Sehun wasn't even Tesla. At least someone was foolish enough to bring the bird inside. With Sehun, that didn't seem like it was a probability.  

He had abruptly gotten up, pulling on his shoes, before quietly letting himself out. Minseok's  apartment was ten minutes away from Sehun's own, fifteen if you took the scenic route. Sehun had, ending up at the park, at 3 in the morning, on a bench contemplating it all.

_ If this is love I don't want it  _

****  
  


AN: The title is from LANY’s song Super Far. Give it a listen if you want. Let me know what you think, it's always lovely to have feedback.


	3. Hold Back the River

Hold Back the River 

 

_ Tried to keep you close to me _ _   
_ _ But life got in between _ _   
_ _ Tried to square not being there _ _   
_ __ But think that I should have been

 

“I haven't seen you around much these days Sehunee, where have you been?” Minseok had pounced on his favorite person, the moment he had walked in. Sehun had shrugged, gently taking off his coat to hang it up. His nose had been reddened by the bite of chill in the air, and Minseok had the strangest inclination to kiss it. He smiled, still uncharacteristically quiet, when the elder fussed over him, gently warming Sehun’s larger hands between his own. Unlike his usual routine, Sehun hadn't come “home" for the past few weekends, maybe even more. Minseok had missed him, although he had been caught up in his own story. A lovely Norwegian statistician, who had come to help with Minseok's team’s research - ended up ending his vow of celibacy. Minseok had taken it philosophically. These things happened. Erik was tall, sweet and warm and Minseok had hopes. He also wanted to discuss this new beginning with Sehun, but the younger had been strangely unavailable. Now that he was here though, Minseok was bubbling to tell him all about it. 

 

“You're a hard man to pin down these days Sehunee. How are you? I missed you!” he had affectionately run his fingers through the younger man's lush locks. Usually it would follow with a “I missed you too Hyung,” but it seemed as if Sehun was in an odd mood today, not unusual but rare. “Did you Hyung?” and Minseok had laughed out. “Of course, why shouldn't I?” and Sehun had looked, for a moment. “Because I'm like Doppler Effect, Hyung,” and quickly changed the subject. Minseok had made a note to look it up, physics wasn't his strongest suit. Then, he, as usual, he had forgotten. It wasn't that what Sehun said wasn't important to Kim Minseok, it always was. But maybe, as all things go, he was guilty of taking the younger man's devotion to him, a little for granted. Perhaps Sehun was prone to dropping physics references but, really though, there was all the time in the world to ask him about it. 

 

_ Once upon a different life _ _   
_ _ We rode our bikes into the sky _ _   
_ _ But now we call against the tide _ _   
_ __ Those distant days are flashing by

 

“When did you start dating again Hyung?” Sehun had suddenly raised his head eating his tojangguk. Minseok had cooked it especially for Sehun, knowing that the younger was coming after a long time. He had jerked, unprepared for the question. “How would you even know if I was dating again?” he laughed, ladling more food on Sehun's bowl, self consciously fidgeting with his glasses. He was a little giddy, thinking about the tall, dark haired Erik, with his sharp jaws, and dry sense of humor.That Sehun could guess, made him ever so sure that h understood Minseok like no other. He entertained a brief fantasy of introducing Sehunee to his boyfriend over dinner one night. They would get along very well, he had thought. Erik was a lot like Sehun, prone to dropping statistical metaphors. He couldn't fathom how they couldn't get along. Sehun had looked up from his food, and vaguely toward Minseok, “because of that,” and continued eating. Minseok had smiled, because, as usual, the maknae was clear as mud. 

 

Sehun forced himself to eat, all the while praying that he wouldn't throw up. He may have been intentionally vague but he could see the signs all over Minseok. One had to know where to look. Sehun had made it his life’s work to understand what made Kim Minseok tick. He was restless, running his hands through his inky hair every few minutes. Minseok was distracted, and hadn't even commented on Sehun’s Star Wars themed shoes. His face was flushed peach. He had been dressing up more. Today, instead of his usual hoodie, track pants and sneakers, the smaller man had worn a teal sweater over shirt and a neat pair of dark washed jeans. Sehun had suddenly wanted to touch, to see if the sweater was as soft as it looked. Also, there was a hickey. The other man had left a dark hickey on Minseok's neck currently playing peekaboo with his closed collar. Sehun wasn't as oblivious as his hyung still thought him to be. He took another bite, feeling the slide of salty cardboard struggling it's way down his throat stabbing his throat. He was sure that the food itself tasted wonderful, Minseok was a great cook but Sehun was choking today - for air, for food, for love and, for misery. Today, it just felt like a day out of hell, again.

 

“I think you will really like him Sehunee. He is a lot like you. I can't wait to introduce you two. We will all have so much fun together. We will…” 

 

“I don't think we will get along hyung,” and continued eating like it was the most reasonable thing to say under the circumstances. Having known Sehun for as long as he had, Minseok wasn't phased. The younger man said things because he believed them to be true- often there were no underlying meanings. If he said he didn't think so, he probably didn't think a physicist and a statistician would get along. “Well, I hope you'd actually try Sehunee. For me.”

The younger had raised his head for a moment and given him the most heartbreaking smile. “For you hyung, anything.” Minseok had laughed and gotten the younger man a beer and one for himself, and they talked the rest of the evening away. 

  
  


Sehun had declined to stay the night. He couldn't. There were too many thoughts. Expectations and even resentments bubbling under his skin now. It wasn't a good time. He wasn't lying when he compared himself to Doppler Effect to Minseok. He didn't think Minseok quite understood the reference since physics wasn't his love. Doppler Effect is the change in frequency or wavelength of a wave in relation to observer who is moving relative to the wave source. Quite simply put, it's the change of pitch of a song playing on the streets, in relation to the listener walking by. Higher when he's closer, then progressively lower until it fades when he is far enough. Sehun is like that with Minseok, sadly. Missed when he is on the forefront of his mind, but then, when he is farther away, they less he occupies the elder’s elders thoughts. It was funny just how much of a one way street this love was. Sehun wondered when he would break out of this habit. Right now, it was dragging him down, everyday. 

 

Yet, wasn't it his own choice to struggle with this? He had told Minseok the truth. He would move on once Minseok finds someone. Not for the first time he wondered, if this was it. 

 

_ Hold back the river, let me look in your eyes _ _   
_ _ Hold back the river, so I _ _   
_ _ Can stop for a minute and be by your side _ _   
_ __ Hold back the river, hold back

 

AN: it's been a long time. Hello! Life had caught up, sadly. Finally was able to do something about this. Yay. The song that inspired this was James Bay’s Hold Back the River. Hope you like it. 


	4. Use Somebody

Use Somebody

 

 _I've been roaming around_   
_Always looking down at all I see_ _  
_ Painted faces, fill the places I can't reach

 

Since he had come to CERN, Sehun had made it a point to get lost in different festivals each year, alone. It fed the alienation he had cultivated. It had never hurt that he wanted nobody else to go with him but Minseok. Oddly, each year Minseok had someone he would rather be with. A lover had once laughingly told him that he was fucking stubborn. If he couldn't gave the one he wanted, he wanted no other. Sehun saw no reason to disagree. Years later it was still the same. This year, he had, on a whim, decided to come to the La Fête de la Musique in Geneva. A bit of a drive, but what wasn't from where they were in Meyrin?

He walked, sitting down randomly to play on the pianos left there to play on. There was just one song that he could play today. Over and over again. There were hundreds of concerts all day- some on the classical guitar, while others on the electric variants. There were rock concerts next to hip hop ones. Bluegrass and met next to the violin. Metal across the corner from old show tunes and Broadway hits. There were mimes, and fire spinners. Street performers and ballerinas. Sehun had kept walking, with that song in his head.

 

 _Someone like you, and all you know, and how you speak_ _  
_ _Countless lovers under cover of the street_

 

He had sat down, tinkering on the piano again, thrilling a child by playing the Harry Potter theme. When she gave him a sunny smile, he had taken a sweeping bow. By the time she had her mom's attention, the tall man playing that Harry Potter tune had disappeared. Sehun had thought nothing of it, just as he thought of nothing else when he had Minseok on his mind.

 

This was the first time he had broken down and had asked Minseok to come with him. They could walk on streets, eat the carnival food and enjoyed the music. Whether it was hip hop and alternative Sehun preferred or, even the ballads and torch songs Minseok preferred. They could have the beer on tap and make a day of it. How long was it since they had spent the day together? Minseok may not know, Sehun did. Three months, three weeks and two days. Ever since what's-his-name had come into the picture. Sehun had no bitter feelings towards the man whose name he hardly remembered. This too shall pass he knew. Lately though, he didn't know if he should wait.

 

Minseok had said, of course he would come. Why wouldn't he? He had enthused about it for weeks. Sehun had turned down a prestigious lecture he had been invited to, so they could to together. He had been cautiously excited too.

 

There was a special blues concert, with tickets sold months ahead of time. Minseok had been dying to go. Sehun had reached out to people for favors to score two.

 

Sehun walked on, a little blindly, while the buskers juggled glass balls, became parts of music boxes or climbed poles to dance at the top. The music still played in his head.

 

It probably wasn't the most intense of asks or the most unexpected ones. Spend a day with the man who for all intent and purposes, was his best friend. Nothing more. People did it all the time, he thought, standing at the Mont Blanc bridge. Beneath him, Geneva was slowly lighting up, like a little jewel box, reflecting on the lake. Tourists around him geared to take that jet d’eau photo you needed while visiting, but Sehun might as well have been at his apartment for all the attention he paid to it. His mind was still on the last conversation with Minseok.

 

Sehun had been at his lab when his office phone had rung the day before. He had a strict policy of no phones allowed but when he was signalled that it was important, he had come out. He knew it was Minseok calling. They wouldn't bother getting him if it had been anyone else.

 

He had walked to his office, puzzled. Minseok very rarely called his office. Had he forgotten something about their plans tomorrow?

 

Minseok had been bubbling. “Sehunee, Erik had planned a romantic getaway for us for the weekend tomorrow. He just surprised me. Isn't that great?”

 

Sehun had been largely quiet while Minseok excitedly told him about his plans. They would go stay in a cottage, fishing, swimming. Sehun had almost asked when was the last time Minseok had ever gone fishing but had caught himself at the last moment.

 

“Sehunee, I know you didn't want your old hyung cramping your style tomorrow,” he had chuckled. “Now, you get to do it alone again, just as you like it!”

 

Sehun hadn't replied. Maybe Minseok didn't expect any, since he had rushed in, saying that he would miss Sehun.

 

“Doppler effect,” Sehun had muttered again before hanging up on his puzzled hyung, who soon forgot about it, thinking about his upcoming weekend.

 

 _Off in the night, while you live it up, I'm off to sleep_   
_Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat_ _  
_ I hope it's gonna make you notice

 

This wouldn't last, Sehun was fairly sure. He would give it two months more. Then the dissatisfaction in Minseok would set it. It would end as it began, abruptly. Then, Minseok would be back to spending his every spare moment with Sehun again. Before, Sehun waited for those months, putting up with the excruciating pain for the rest of it but this time, he wasn't. There was a bitter taste in his mouth, as he wondered, not for the first time, if Minseok even saw him as a person with feelings, rather than an amusing pet to spend time with, when you were bored. This was a toxic cycle. Standing on the bridge in the dark as the city came alive before his eyes, Sehun took out his phone to take his first step to break out of it.

 

 _I've been roaming around,_ _  
_ _Always looking down at all I see_

  


A/N: I'm trying to write a little faster these days. No comments on run on sentences from my end :# I hope you like it. The song used is Kings of Leon’s Use Somebody.


	5. Cry Me A River

Cry Me a River

 

“You haven’t said much today. It’s like you almost don’t want to criticize the Ant Man and the Wasp Sehunee, and I find it extremely disconcerting,” the lilting voice teased, as his eyes crinkled, trying to adjust to the sudden brightness flooding the theatre. Sehun took off his dark glasses, trying not to blink at the sudden transition.

 

“Well, it is what it is meant to be. Brainless entertainment. Harvesting energy at the quantum realm,” he snorts. Minseok rolled his eyes, before smoothing the younger’s hair with his fingers. Sehun didn’t flinch. Didn’t stop him, as usually would. He looked on, unblinkingly, causing the older man to pull back, flustered. Unsure of why he is flustered all of a sudden, but flustered nonetheless. “There is the Oh Sehun we know and love,” he joked, smiling, attempting to cover the awkwardness of the moment. Truth is, he had been so busy at the flush of new love, he hadn’t seen Sehun for weeks. No. Over a month now. Or, was it two months? Well, until today – they would have last met before Minseok had gone away cottaging with Erik. They had some vague plans to go to the musicfest together, but he had figured that Sehun would understand. They weren’t kids, after all. He wondered now if the younger had really understood, as every attempt to meet him since he had returned had met with stonewalls. It was only after Minseok had gone to Sehun’s lab and physically kidnapped him for the film today, that he had come. He would need to make it up to the younger man, who was most definitely pouting at his hyung, even if it is on the inside.

 

Minseok pulled Sehun up by his arms, laughing at the disgruntled expression on the younger’s face again. “Come on donsaeng,” he grinned again. Your hyung is about to take you out for dinner at The Spot. The spot, as they joked was as far apart from the fine dining experience Switzerland was known for, as possible. In the summer of 2015, Sehun and Minseok had discovered one of the rare street food stalls in the city, where they would go – to eat tacos, salads and subs drawing on international flavors. Sehun shrugged, before gracefully shrugging on his lightweight fawn jacket. If not a physicist, Sehun would have gone for fashion, Minseok was sure. No doubt that jacket cost as much as his monthly rent. Erik would never wear one of these, he thought, preferring to keep his appearance low key, devoid of any frivolity – but he had to admit, it looked good on the younger man.  He ran, to keep up with the younger’s longer strides. Usually, Sehun would wait for him, slowing down. Today though, it was as if he was a million miles away. Minseok had to tether him back to earth a few times already. If he had seen the younger man in the past few months, Minseok perhaps would feel more guilty, taking him away from work – no doubt, it was still preying on his mind, but since he hadn’t, Minseok had decided they would forget it all for the moment. Hefting his steak and cheese sub to his mouth, while they sat at the park, with Faberbräu bottles wrapped in brown paper, Minseok poked at the sharply bladed jaws, after a swig from the beer bottle. “Well? What’s on your mind, now?” He had been fully set to charm Sehun into spilling his work details – vague as they may be, but it turned out he really didn’t have to.

 

“I was wondering what winters in Germany is like,” he abruptly said, startling Minseok. It wasn’t usual for the younger man to let his mind wander. “Winters, in Germany Sehun?” He asked. “Yes,” the younger answered without shame or compunction. “I’ve applied for the Forschungszentrum Jülich for a year. Enough time to see a winter or two, in Germany. After that,” he shrugged elegantly, biting into his own sub, “Who knows where I will be next?”

 

“One year…” Minseok felt like the words wouldn’t push through his lips. “What about CERN Sehunee?” Sehun looked at him straight in the eyes this time, causing Minseok’s breathe to hitch for some reason. “My reason for remaining at CERN has been exhausted hyung,” he bit his sandwich again. “I am exhausted,” he took a sip. “It’s just a few hours’ drive away. You can come and visit. It would be an interesting experience to host you, instead,” he mused. “Please leave Erik at home, unless you plan on marrying him, then you can bring him  and I will do my best to entertain him,”  Sehun had waved his hands, before biting into his sub again. If Minseok could laugh at that moment, he would have. Trust Sehun to be as brutally honest as he can be, while telling him that he was leaving, abruptly. Erik was the last person on Minseok’s mind at the moment. Not when Sehun was leaving – probably forever. He wanted to ask him to stay, to never leave, but the older, more mature part of Minseok knew that Sehun hadn’t done this on a whim. He, as his Hyung should – could only support the younger man – no matter how much his heart felt like it had been yanked out from his chest by an icy hand.

 

“When do you leave Sehun?” was that his voice, so hoarse – like he had gravel in his throat?

 

If Sehun had noticed, he didn’t comment on it. “Within a few weeks,” he had said quietly. “I am going to teach a couple of semesters at Cologne – it is one of the requirements there.”  Minseok got up to throw away the rest of his sub in the trash, his mouth soured. He needed something to do – a moment to gather himself. “Would you have even told me if we hadn’t met today Sehunee?” he asked the younger man, unable to help himself. Usually Sehun would just shrug, signifying the end of the conversation and just clamp down. Minseok was waiting for that to happen, when he spoke up, “Would you have noticed if I had left hyung?” his eyebrows raised, eyes cooled.

 

Minseok started at the even, cold tone, regret sinking into his being. “Sehunee… I…” “Was busy, I know hyung,” he shrugged, standing up to throw away the rest of his uneaten sub and his drink, not wanting to play with his food any longer. “No, I didn’t say that Sehun,” he snapped, before lowering his tone again, ”I am going to miss you Oh Sehun,” he confessed, heart aching. Sehun had looked at him again, sighing. “Like Doppler Effect, hyung. I have to go home now, there’s a lot to pack.” For the first time, the younger had left the older to walk away, as the proverbial penny had finally dropped for Minseok. Doppler Effect. Oh.

 

Sehun hadn’t looked back once, as his hyung stood, frozen – looking at his back as it slowly disappeared into the crowd with the rest of the commuters, getting back home after the 8 pm rush.

 

_Cry me a river_

 

 

AN:  I know. I update very sporadically but I try. It is always nice to hear back, if you took a moment to comment.

 

Song: Cry Me a River by Justin Timberlake


	6. Say Something I'm Giving Up On You

Say Something

 

“was there anything else you would need?” Minseok asked, folding his shirts neatly, before laying them in the suitcase. “Not really?” Sehun had shrugged. He was shipping his furniture, books and whatever little he had collected over his years in CERN – it was pitiful how little those personal touches were. There was a box of things Minseok had given him, their photos together, things celebrating little and the big and the just becauses of life.

 

They weren’t initially talking. Sehun had walked away, leaving Minseok at the park – not as a revenge, exactly. He hadn’t lied to Minseok when he had said that he was tired. He really was. Somehow, he hadn’t expected Kim Minseok to come knocking on his door two days later, with a bright smile masking the wildness in his eyes. Sehun didn’t kid himself – that wildness was less for him, more at the thought of being left alone – but he hadn’t pushed. Sehun had moved aside, while Minseok spoke a mile a minute, completely glossing over their non-moment at the park. Feelings? What were they? This hyung of his wouldn’t know, perhaps. Sehun rolled his eyes discreetly. He didn’t doubt Minseok’s affection for him, but neither was he insane enough to suggest what Minseok felt for him was more than what someone did for a long term acquaintance who was unusually accommodating to your whims. Maybe, a little more than that.

 

Minseok had come in like a storm, laundering, folding, vacuuming, god help him, ironing and folding some more. He had suitcases filled with shirts he didn’t know he had, now. Sehun didn’t know what he was meant to say. So he hadn’t said much, choosing to fall back on their old rhythm of quietness. If there was a note missing now, instead of the sweet inner rhythm they had enjoyed before, neither had spoken of it.  

 

Lee Hi’s rose played in the background as Minseok folded some more. Sehun was starting to think that’s how the man lived – that he had slight obsessive compulsive tendencies, but then, who didn’t? Minseok’s playlist was largely Korean, Rose bled to Hyukoh’s Wi Ing Wi Ing and Sehun found himself singing along.

 

“You’ll be breaking hearts when you leave Sehunee,” he had said with a smile on his face, hands running through that thick black mane of hair Sehun often wanted to touch himself. Sehun wondered what Minseok would say if he reiterated what he hadn’t completely said the last time?

“You see hyung, I am leaving because my heart is irrevocably broken. I couldn’t give a flying fuck about how others’ hearts feel now. I need to get out before I drown in this misery engulfing me. So, how have you been?”

 

What if he said it? Would Minseok still pretend to be clueless? Pat his hands? Hyukoh started singing about the Tomboy. Sehun had shaken head with a weary grin. “I guess they would live hyung. Cologne is just around the corner – whoever misses me can easily drive down for a visit,” sprawled back against the couch while watching Minseok’s lips purse, and damned if it didn’t hit him in the solar plexus. “What about you Minseok hyung? Will you be bringing Erik with you, when you come for a visit?”

 

“Erik?” Minseok sounded a thousand miles away. Like, the man who shared a space in his heart, his body and his time, and still did was a stranger. Sehun knew the signs. 2 more months, at most. He wondered why it made him more exhausted than before. “Why would I bring Erik?” he looked truly puzzled. Why indeed, but Sehun didn’t feel like getting into it either. “I don’t know hyung. Just asked, I guess,” he shrugged, reaching to switch on Wi Ing Wi Ing again. If his life was going to be a farce, the least he could do to accommodate it, was provide it with a soundtrack of the day.

 

If Sehun had held on to the vague hope that Minseok would have a sudden emancipation – where he would know that Sehun was the one, he was going to remain disappointed. Minseok hadn’t changed his attitude towards Sehun any. He still babied him, occasionally whined to him – if the older man was a little clingier, it could be attributed to him being emotional. Sehun didn’t know if was supposed to laugh or cry at moments like these, when Minseok sat next to him, petting his hair, talking about just how much he would miss his little Sehunee – like he wasn’t a fucking adult.

 

“Oh how will I spend my days without you Sehunee?” he asked again, as he was prone to, suddenly, explosively, these days.

“With great trial, I imagine hyung,” he replied dryly, causing the older to go into peals of musical laughter. “You’re such a sarcastic bitch, Oh Sehun,” he had said laughingly, and Sehun hadn’t disagreed.

 

Despite his hopes against hopes, even on the day he was leaving, nothing earth shatteringly romantic happened. Minseok didn’t suddenly realize that Oh Sehun was the love of his life. He didn’t run into his arms, except for a hug, and Sehun never got to cancel his refundable tickets. For if Minseok had known, just a word from him, Sehun would have stayed back. In the end, he would. Instead, Erik had come to solemnly shake his hands, and help him heft his cases at the back of the uber. Sehun hadn’t wanted either Minseok or his partner to drop him off.

 

“It would hurt Hyung,” he had said, characteristically blunt. “I can’t be hurting today. I have too much to focus on,” and Minseok’s eyes had glazed, even if he had shaken his head in assent. No he wouldn’t go.

 

“Sehunee…” he had whispered and Sehun knew. If he said one word, even now, even with his boyfriend standing in the background, Sehun would stay. He would leave it all behind and stay. Minseok had no idea the power he wielded over Oh Sehun’s being. At that moment, Sehun was deathly glad that he didn’t. “Sehunee,” he whispered again, clearing his throat. “Will you come home to me for Chuseok?” Sehun had shaken his head, half in despair, half amusement. “Of course hyung. No matter where we are, Chuseok is for us,” he whispered, watching the boyfriend frown at them. Sehun rolled his eyes inwardly, before hugging the smaller man again, “goodbye hyung”.

 

He had gotten in the car, not looking back, even once. Wi Ing Wi Ing kept playing in his ears. Sehun did not break down until he landed in the Brandenberg Airport men’s.

_Say Something, I’m Giving Up On You._

 

 

AN: See? I told you I’ll try to update more often. I don’t know how long these bursts of creativity will last though. Do leave me a thought, or a comment, I’d always love to hear from you.

 

NB: The song is Say Something I’m Giving up on You as the title by A Great Big World. Hyukoh’s Wi Ing Wi Ing because it suits Sehun’s situation a lot, Tomboy – because it’s just fun and Lee Hi’s Rose, because it seems like the song Minseok would be listening to.

 


	7. Just Breathe

  
Just Breathe  
  
  
  
Sehun often didn’t know what to do with himself in Cologne. It wasn’t that he didn’t have enough to do – and his sex life, as it was, remained at an even flow – hard not to, in a city that boasted young lives. But socializing – Oh Sehun, at heart was an introvert. He didn’t make friends easily. He had spent majority of the last decade being friends with just one person – he was his love, his religion and his solitary space. Some habits were perhaps harder to break than others. Sehun often found himself a step away, from dialing the number he had memorized in his head. He found himself randomly browsing flights on Lufthansa – what was an hour and half, to him? He would see Minseok, but he shouldn’t. So he didn’t.  
  
  
  
For this semester, Sehun was teaching a fourth year course in Times Series Analysis at the university of Cologne. It was…fun. Sehun hadn’t enjoyed himself teaching for a long time, so maybe the break from lab wasn’t too bad. Students enjoyed the wry, dry humored professor who took no flak. Guest students sat in his class to watch the handsome professor, and went away having learned something. Sehun was hard, but he never expected something that wasn’t possible for his students, as an ego boost to himself - he wasn’t difficult. Too often, he would be there helping any and every one, who had questions – Office hours to him was a joke. How did you learn on schedule, he had asked the registrar who dared to suggest tailored office hours to him. When the head of his department had stepped up to speak to the young man, he was roundly told to stay out of what was essentially Sehun’s business. If they didn’t like it, he was happy to stop teaching and just take off for the rest of the semester. He could just as easily offer his services to Goethe or Munster - That was that. The university didn’t think they wanted to explain to  Forschungszentrum Jülich why one of their guest research head had called quits. Sehun got his way. Peace had reigned there – somewhat.  
  
  
  
He had a schedule, much as he had a distaste towards it – He called Minseok once every ten days. Not too often – not too little. They spoke about everything but him coming back to CERN to visit the older man. Minseok had asked. He had promised for Chuseok. Any other times – he couldn’t. Not if he wanted to stay balanced within himself. As it was, every time he spoke to Minseok, It took days for Sehun to wind up the parts of him that unraveled at the sound of his voice, of his breath. Didn’t he have the right to be just a little selfish in cases like these? Much as he would like to delude himself – Sehun was very much a human. He hurt like one, bled like one. A supersize brain didn’t protect him from the pitfalls of humanity and Kim Minseok remained his most difficult challenge yet. If there was a person on this earth who was a threat to Sehun’s sanity, it would be him. So, he hadn’t gone. Yet another month had passed. Minseok unfortunately wouldn't fade to memory. 

  
  


So he hadn't gone “home,” such as it were. Instead, he stayed back, holding himself off from the headlong rush into love and disappointment, if given a chance. He had to protect his heart sometime, after all. Sehun had been planning what to do for the semester break when Minseok had suddenly shown up. There had been no rhyme and reason as to why - one moment he had been grading the final papers at night, next moment the knock on the door revealed the man who haunted his dreams regularly, without break. His face was still as fine boned as it had been before, the black hair just as silken. The lips still as finely drawn as the rest of him. There were shadows under the eyes which sparkled like the Rhine hit by moonlight. If Sehun had reached for him before he knew what he was doing, he could be forgiven. It had been long, lonely months. He had held on to Minseok, burying his face at the crook of the smaller man’s neck, breathing him in to make up for the time he wasn't there- to make up for the time he won't be there again. Sehun was, at that moment, squirreling away memories. He could be forgiven for lapses like these.  Sehun, despite what he would like to believe, was a man. 

 

“You never told me you were coming Hyung. I would have picked you up from the airport,” he had groused. There was very little to eat at home and Sehun would have liked to make Minseok more comfortable. He would have, had he known. “I didn't want you to fuss Sehunee,” the older man had smiled. “I didn't know if you were coming home or not, and I was missing you. The next thing I knew, here I am for days!” Sehun was shocked. It was not like Minseok to travel from his little enclave. His hyung barely took vacations, choosing to work. Man must have weeks of vacation saved up from the time he had known him. Sehun didn't know if he was to laugh, or cry at Minseok's coming for a visit- now. After everything had happened. The Sehun he had left behind in Switzerland would have wondered, would have quietly dreamed of what it meant for them. The Sehun now wondered if the silence in his hyung’s head had gotten too loud. Minseok wasn't a man who was comfortable being alone with himself, despite being a homebody, hence, the series of Kurts, Krises and Jakobs who had traipsed through their times together. Maybe the silence drove Minseok to visit his constant port. No matter, Sehun had wryly smiled to himself, while Minseok had gone to take a shower - for the time that the older man was going to be here, Sehun would do his best to entertain him. What was his name? Karlyle? Sehun didn't really remember - but since Hyung had left Koko at home, Sehun would try to make this time as wonderful as he can. Like old times. 

 

Like Astronomical Albedo, brilliant in dispersion of lights Sehun would reflect all the light Minseok, almost like a heavenly body, brought to his life, these days. 

 

That first night had been for delivery service. Minseok had clucked his tongue, trying to clean the apartment, until Sehun had physically restrained the older man, holding him in his arms. The smaller man had struggled in vain, until just sort of settled down into the forced hug. Minseok was strong. Sehun had no illusions that he wouldn't be able to whoop his skinny ass, should he felt like it. Under the loose t-shirts and nerdy glasses, Kim Minseok was ripped. A regular superman. He had often said that working out was how he untangles the knots in his thoughts. But Minseok hadn't broken free from Sehun’s arms. Perhaps he didn't want to hurt his maknae - who knew - but he had rested there until the food had come, giggling, trying to stop Sehun from paying for it. For those moments… Sehun could pretend it didn't hurt. 

  
  


“Hyung, we are at Cologne. You have come to visit me. We could have been at the Museum of Chocolate, the Hohenzollern Bridge, we could have done the tourist thing - visited the old town, paid tributes to saints I don't believe in, but no. Why are we doing groceries at 11 in the morning?” Sehun wanted to go out. He wanted to play tourists in this city with Minseok. Why were they stuck here? Sehun could almost feel a full blown sulk coming, as he pushed the cart, while Minseok mentally debated Squid against abalone, until he settled on both. Then, picked up some yuchoi and string beans. Soft tofu versus medium tofu. He could scream. Sehun was almost certain that Minseok was doing things just a little slowly because Sehun wanted it to go a little faster, and hyung could be a little shit at times. 

 

“Sehun?” 

 

He knew that voice. He turned to look. It was an incredibly nice man he hooked up with quite a lot when he had first come to Cologne. He had then moved further away for work  and Sehun had lost touch. 

 

His friend surreptitiously looked at Minseok, worried that he would perhaps out Sehun and then switched to German, “Du hast nie angerufen”. You never called me. Sehun wanted to laugh. Minseok spoke german fluently. What did he have to lose now? He had apologized, and his friend had laughed, reminding him to at least call, even if they weren't doing anything anymore. Waggling his brows, he had waved goodbye, leaving Sehun to face the music.

  
  


“Sehunee,” Sehun turned away, unwilling to meet Minseok’s appalled, contrite eyes.

 

“It's okay Hyung. Why don't we go pay for all these? Do we have enough now?” 

 

Minseok stopped him, holding his wrist. 

 

“Sehunee, you should have said something. Insisted…”

 

Insisted what, Sehun would like to know. That he liked men too? Why weren't his words good enough the first time around? Didn't Minseok know what it felt like, not to be acknowledged for who he was? But then, Sehun was always on the periphery. On the outside, looking in. Why had he hoped it would be different? It was too long ago anyway, even if some wounds still throbbed, despite their age. 

 

“Sehun,” Minseok whispered. He wanted to say, it was okay. That it was water under the bridge. That he understood Doppler effect, but in the end, Sehun had said nothing. He had smiled, then ushered the smaller man towards the cashier. 

 

_ Just Breathe. _

  
  
A/N: I wrote again! work has been terribly busy so I am trying to keep up. The title is from a Pearl Jam song. Albedo effect is when light is reflected off… some irradiated surface. Think, the moon, reflecting the light of the sun.  Sorry. I'm a geek. Let me know what you think. It makes writing worthwhile.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. It Could Be Sweet

 

It Could Be Sweet

 

 _I don't want to hurt you_  
For no reason have I but fear  
And I ain't guilty of the crimes you accuse me of  
But I'm guilty of fear

Minseok was a thousand miles away. Not just from home, but as it were, he wasn't… all there he guesses. Cologne was supposed to be fun. It had been. They had played tourists - the grand churches, the museum of chocolates, the arts, the street food. Yet, underneath it all, he was agonizing over his accidental discovery.

 

To Minseok, Sehun had been, until now, a straight man. A man he loved. Taken care of. A man with whom he hadn't crossed the line even when at times, he hadn't been able to tear his eyes away from him. When his voice had been enough to pick him up after a bad day from a dark abyss he found himself in at times. He had been untouchable and therefore, Minseok never ventured in that direction. Sehun’s straightness had been more of a shield for Minseok than it has been for Sehun. For Kim Minseok, if there had been one relationship, a constant in his life, it had been Sehun. His was the only relationship Minseok had been able to hold on to, unchanging. So, for him, if there was a taboo - Sehunee had been it. Now, suddenly, it was as if barriers that has been improbable to breach, had suddenly been lowered for him. Nothing holding him back. Nothing keeping him from - Minseok had shut those errant thoughts far too many times to be shocked at himself anymore.

 

 _I'm sorry to remind you_  
But I'm scared of what we're creating  
This life ain't fair  
You don't get something for nothing, turn now  
Gotta try a little harder  
It could be sweet

 

Sehun’s locks were flowing in the wind, while he drove with the windows down. He supposed men don't generally have hair luscious enough to be called locks, but Sehun was a different breed. The stars lit the way back to the city, in the darkened, lonely highway, as they drove back from hiking all day. It had been hot, exhausting and miserable. The view at the top should have been glorious and it had been, but there had been a niggling itch under Minseok's skin. Like he wanted to peel himself to see what crawled underneath. Like he couldn't breathe. Like there were weights hanging off his ribs. Like his ribs had forgotten to protect him, and where caging him in, instead. Tightening a little at a time, until his air was cut off. In contrast had been smiling, lovely and cool - like he hadn't just climbed 3500 m over sea level. Like he hadn't been just as uncomfortable. Like he hadn't been avoiding everything Minseok had been trying to say.

 

Minseok had tried. While they were trekking. While they had rested. While he was drinking water. While they were leaving for this trip. The night before. At the fucking grocery store. Anytime Minseok had attempted to bring up the subject they weren't talking about, Sehun had effectively shut him down. It was usually, “Yes Hyung. Oh did you know/have you seen/did you ever?” - it was the variation of the same theme. Minseok tried to explain why, and Sehun refused to listen. He was leaving tomorrow, hence, the impromptu hike. Minseok had envisioned their one on one. A conversation. No, he had gotten zilch. Sehun had pleasantly pointed out the local fauna, the sights, the sounds until it had been time to leave. There was so much left unsaid.

 

 _Cause I don't wanna lose_  
What we had last time, your leaving this life ain't fair  
You don't get something for nothing, turn now  
Gotta try a little harder  
It could be sweet

 

Now he was driving, with Portishead crooning from the car speakers. Minseok had took a deep breath and had turned towards Sehun, “Sehunee, want to pull over by the side of the roads for a little bit?” Sehun had smiled, chattering about Cologne, his course and his students,  while pulling over, then getting out to lean against the front hood of the car. The stars were spilling across the horizon, bathing his face. The bones stood out in sharp contrast against in the starlight, on the face Minseok had tried for almost a decade to think about. They had lay there with Beth Gibbons singing about how it could be sweet. It was like she had been daring Minseok to do something, weaving a spell with her voice and the starlight. It could be sweet.

 

Sehun had turned to face him, still laying down, his five o’ clock shadow creating hollows of his cheeks to appear deeper, lending an almost unreal beauty to his already heartbreaker of a face. With his eyes shut, he looked almost as young as he had been when they had first met. Something capsuled inside Minseok had broken, as the past and present had collided for him, in a place where thoughts knitted deep into his bones were rising like fog.

 

Sehun had opened his eyes, hearing Minseok make a noise low in his throat, half moan, half of a growl. He had held eye contact calmly as Minseok's fingers had speared into his hair, gently pulling Sehun towards him- giving him space and room to move should he want to. Sehun hadn't moved or flinched, even when Minseok had fitted his mouth over his, slowly stroking his lips, coaxing his lips to open.

 

Minseok was lost. Sehun tasted dark and sweet- some of it from the melon they had earlier but the rest was him. Patient. Quietly sweet. Like the the answer to a million, unvoiced childhood dreams. His hands stroked the face he could trace in his dreams, feathering over his neck, his back, before Minseok tightened his hold around the younger man, anchoring. Their mouths were still fused, tongues touching, sending dark frissons of energy across his spine. Sehun’s hold on his arms tightened, where it had traveled somehow, for a minute before loosening his hold. He had then slowly pulled away. Minseok was suddenly intensely aware, while he had kissed Sehun and had felt a deep connection, the younger man hadn't kissed him back. He had accepted the kiss from Minseok but hadn't reciprocated the action.

 

Sehun's face was perfectly still, albeit a lot paler than usual. Those who didn't know him would have attributed it to the moonlight and his pale skin but, Minseok knew. There were strain around his eyes, in him picking his thumbnail for no reason.

 

“Well, Hyung? Did I pass the gay test?” he had evenly asked.  

 

Minseok had sputtered. That was not it. What did Sehun think Minseok was? How could he even say something that?

 

“What gay test?” He had eventually said, and Sehun had shook his head, as if amused.

  
“So, was that you satisfying your curiosity then?”

 

He had opened his mouth,

 

“Sehunnee!” Minseok had said, unsure of what else to add. This was not going the way Minseok had imagined it would have gone. This was not how it should have started – tinged with bitterness.

 

Minseok had tried again, reaching for the younger man’s arm to stop him. To talk. “Sehun we really need to talk. I….”

 

Sehun had shrugged instead, “I know Hyung. Let's go home,”

 

Just like that, he had climbed into the car that was suddenly quiet like a tomb. Sehun had turned off the music, and they drove, with the silence sitting between them, taking up more and more space, with each passing mile.

 

The next day, Minseok had gone home, without his answers. The silence between them had never been more absolute, the chasm never quite as wide.

 

_It could be sweet_

Author’s note: I know it has been a while since I updated but unfortunately, real life caught up. I saw some of you asking for happily ever after – I believe in nothing else, but HEA but, it never is that simple is it? J The song is Portishead’s It Could Be Sweet. I hope you’ll listen to it, and be haunted by Beth Gibbon’s voice, the same way I am at times.

 

  
  



	9. Bird on a Wire

Like A Bird on A Wire  
  
  
  
Like a bird on the wire  
Like a drunk in a midnight choir  
I have tried in my way to be free  
  
  
  
Minseok works at the IT Lab at CERN. He is a quiet man, known for his work in cloud technology, bringing more flexibility to the grid infrastructures, blurring the difference between the two. Not a rock star scientist by any means – it is hard to be so unless you were Tim Berners-Lee, but he was well known for his work in his field. One of the things that made Minseok so good at what he did was his ability to completely shut out the world. It was a neat little trick – His parents fighting? Shut the world out and study. Grandparents unhappy about the burden of a grandson at their old age, and making snide comments? Shut it all out. Mother uncomfortable at the thought of bringing son home to her new family? Shut it all out. Father’s new wife unhappy with a full grown step son and not shy about being heard? Boys in school noticing his exceptionally pretty face, and calling names that wasn't an easy realization in South Korea in the early 2000s? He could shut it all out like a champ. There had been only one goal in his line of sight at that time – get out, and never go back. He had done that. If doing so had lead him to shedding that part of him that was good with interpersonal relationships, in recognizing and reciprocating anything more than casual respect, he hadn't been apologetic about it. Minseok hadn't felt bonds in the longest time, until a 18 years old rainbow haired child had walked up to him, and had asked for directions in the quietest tone he had heard outside of a library. Sehun had been his that day. It had been love, of what kind he never could codify and not having loved in the longest time, he didn't bother to understand it other. He just knew that he finally had someone.

 

It was exhilarating to be loved. Sehun loved him, Minseok knew that. He learned a language for him. Made time to learn about things that made Minseok feel at home. Whether it was Chuseok, or Seollal. He had picked up the same dialect Minseok would sometimes slip into when he almost forgot everything, and spoke it with him. He shared his home and oddly straightlaced family with him. Minseok had happily taken. He didn't regrets the alien but warm 4th of July celebrations when he had gone home with Sehun, the christmas holidays he had sometimes been dragged home for “Hyung, please be my buffer,” and he had been, soaking in the love and warmth of the oddly normal Ohs.

 

He had tried to take care of Sehun too. Face straight out of renaissance art, how many saw it go gaunt because he had forgotten to eat again? Minseok had looked after Sehun because Sehun had been his. He had searched for love, here and there, always introducing them to Sehun. But it had never felt right. Wasn't love supposed to be like a lightning strike? Minseok wouldn't know. He liked them all, just not long enough, and in the end there was always Sehun waiting once his chapters with finding love was done. Minseok never needed much else.

 

 _Like a worm on a hook_ _  
_ _Like a knight from an old fashioned book_   
I have saved all my ribbons for thee

 

Yet here he was, without the one person he needed above all else. Sehun hadn't called, or texted since Minseok's return from Cologne. The younger had become more reticent about calling or even texting Minseok, lately and Minseok had let it go, chalking it up to the move, to an active social life but now, they hadn't even spoken in weeks. Minseok had been too much of a coward to ask for his forgiveness. Now, the silence was stretching on for weeks. Maybe soon it will become months  left unchecked, rolling into years. Minseok however did not know how to reach out anymore. If he did, he would have called his grandparents, his father, his mother. His siblings. Friends he thought of at times, who he had left behind when Seoul had forgotten him. Sehun looked like he was about to be one of the names on Minseok’s book of forgotten friends. Minseok wasn't sure he would be able to live with it.

 

 _If I, I been so unkind,_ _  
_ _I hope that you just let it all go by_ _  
_ _If I, I been so untrue_   
I hope you know it was never to you.

 

Chuseok was their time. It was the first time since they had met that Minseok didn't know Sehun's plans for the festival. Normally he would be here at Minseok's table trying to decide if he like the pine flavored songpyeon, while stuffing his face with it. Yet here Minseok was, alone for Chuseok again, like a decade hadn't passed with a person by his side. For Minseok, whether he liked admitting or not, Sehun was the vernacular woven into the fabric of his being. Sehun was the home everyone looked to replicate from their memories. Yet today, he wasn't there anymore. Minseok stuffed some more raspberry beans, sweetened with honey in a rice flour dough. Maybe Sehun wasn't here but he would make Songpyeon all the same. Maybe this way, he could pretend that it doesn't matter. Maybe, he thought, stuffing another rice cake, if he worked hard enough, he could pretend that none of it matters or had ever meant anything. He had done it before, so what was one more time?

 

The doorbell ringing had him opening the door automatically. He had been expecting some delivery, and if UPS decided to show up today, he wouldn't be adverse to some human interaction. Maybe he could lose himself in the book he had ordered.

 

The door swung open to reveal a man holding a basket of fruits. Minseok felt himself trembling.

 

“Hyung, could you give me a hand? This motherfucker is heavy,”

 

Minseok had lurched forward to help Sehun with the heavy basket.

 

“You're upper body strength still needs work Sehunee,” he didn't know why he said that. That was not how you mended bridges, was it? Sehun though didn't seem to mind, if the husky laughter was anything to go by.

 

Sehun had sauntered in, plopping down at the dinner table. The songpyeon was just steamed, and Sehun had bit into a walnut and honey filled one.

 

“I still don't understand why you need to stream it using pine needles. It tastes pine-y. I'm not sure I like it,” he bit again, chewing.

 

Having heard the argument a million times Minseok just rolled his eyes, handing him the plate of haemul pajeon to dig into. Sehun had always enjoyed the seafood and green onion pancakes, and Minseok had made them just thinking of him.

 

He sat down in front of him, with a plate of pajeon, for the younger man to dig into, both quiet. Neither knew what else to say.

 

 _Like a bird on a wire_ _  
_ _Like a drunk in a midnight choir_   
I have tried in my way to be free.

 

Minseok felt his eyes watering, at all that he had lost, with all that was unsaid, while Sehun looked at his face, stillness permeating the air.

 

NB: the song is Bird on a Wire, Joe Bonamassa cover

 

Author's note: Hi. I wrote another chapter. For those who read, thank you for doing so. I don't have a lot of time but I try. Of course, as ever, I'd love to hear back from you. 

  
  



	10. Malibu Nights

Malibu Nights

 

__ There's no reason, there's no rhyme   
I found myself blindsided by   
A feeling that I've never known   
I'm dealing with it on my own   
Phone is quiet, walls are bare   
I drink myself to sleep, who cares?   
No one even has to know   
I'm dealing with it on my own

 

In the end, he had been too much of a coward to say anything. It was not like Sehun had expected any better either. The younger had stayed for the holidays. On the surface, everything had remained the same. It was like nothing had ever happened between the two of them. The relationship he so cherished hadn't completely unraveled in the way he had feared it might have. Instead, it appeared that it was just as important to him as it had been to Minseok, so perhaps that was a small favor. Yet, he felt that wall. Sehun was done. Done waiting, done being sidelined. He wasn't going to expect anything from Minseok. Maybe that hurt the most. They had made merry, gotten drunk and then, Sehun had left. With him the light had gone out. 

 

Minseok hadn't really thought he would get over it. So, when the weight of the devastation ground down harder against his heart, he couldn't say he was incredibly surprised. Maybe it was made worse by knowing that Sehun was now seeing someone else. It wasn't a surprise, really. He was smart, kind, funny, incredibly handsome and a man of his words. He had come to see Minseok after Minseok had done something inexcusable, simply because of a promise made. It wasn't something Sehun ever talked about but when had he, ever? Minseok knew because he just noticed more these days. The younger had no social media presence beyond a few long forgotten accounts but Minseok had recently seen tagged photos of him - with the same woman. It didn't take more than a few months to put two and two together. They spoke more now. Minseok would like to think that his Sehunee was happier, now that he was in Cologne, making a new life for himself. All evidences pointed towards that direction after all. Minseok had seen it himself, when he hadn't been able to help himself and had taken a flight to Cologne, only to have met with the woman in question at Sehun's, past midnight. She was a lovely woman, in all honesty. A postdoctoral student a little older than Sehun, they had met at a comedy night. Minseok wasn't even aware of him liking stand up comedies so it went to show just how little he knew about the younger man really. He had meant to stay for the week, but 2 days later, he had been uncomfortable enough to catch the last flight home, telling the younger that there was an emergency at work. He didn't know if the younger believed him or not but he hadn't tried to stop Minseok from leaving. Minseok wouldn't lie. It had hurt as well. That's when he knew, he couldn't be here, close enough to give into his urges to see Sehun. For the first time in a decade, Dr. Kim Minseok decided to teach somewhere outside of his comfort zone. What was less comfortable than Seoul? 

 

He had come home. 

 

__ I got way too much time to be this hurt   
Somebody help, it's getting worse   
What do you do with a broken heart?   
Once the light fades, everything is dark   
Way too much whiskey in my blood   
I feel my body giving up   
Can I hold on for another night?   
What do I do with all this time?

 

Little known fact: Minseok did not know what he was doing. He had come to teach a few masters courses on Industrial and Systems Engineering. That part, he could do with his eyes closed. Korea Advanced Institute of Science and Technology was happy to host him for it too - if a bit surprised at his sudden offer out of the blue. What he didn't know was what made him tell one of his half brothers that he was coming to Seoul for a year. He hadn't meant to. It was one of their quarterly phone calls and there was a lot of dead air. Minseok was grasping at straws for conversational small talks. He had forgotten about it. When another half brother had called, this one a bit younger to the other, he had let the date and time slip. They hadn't brought it up. He forgot. Until he had disembarked from his flight and having put formalities aside, was about to call a taxi. In the waiting area, his three half brothers were waiting with signs saying, “Welcome Home Kim Minseok” - that by itself wouldn't be surprising, if unexpected but Junmyeon and Jongdae was his father's sons while Jongin was mother's. Seeing the three of them standing together, Minseok had almost given into his flight response, running back inside. His professional reputation could take the hit. It was nothing compared to unresolved family trauma. 

 

Something made him walk towards them when Jongin had latched on without any warnings. Junmyeon had come in for a hug, as had Jongdae, but Jongin had shoved everyone aside and claimed the youngest’s privilege. Minseok didn't know what to do with a man towering over him cuddling to his side other than occasionally patting his head. Jongin didn't seem to mind. The last time he had seen Jongin face to face, the younger may have been around 14, just as cuddly - uncaring of his grandmother's disapproval towards her daughter in law's child from her previous marriage. Unwilling to cause more conflict, he had stopped going. Now here he was, with a 26 years old snuggled up to him, while 30 years old Junmyeon and a 27 years old Jongdae was at the front, talking a mile a minute, like he hadn't been gone a decade. Minseok was in an alternate reality at the age of 31.

 

“Hyung, do you like pets?” Jongin had chimed in, before he was able to answer Jongdae's questions about his new job. Minseok was about to open his mouth to answer when he was railroaded again - “I think you do. My practice has the cutest little kittens. You should come by tomorrow. It is near your place. I'll come bring you,” - suddenly it was a plan for dinner with his brothers. And cats. Teacup pigs. An iguana named Taemin. Jongin was a vet. Minseok didn't know how to react to the onslaught.

 

They had thoughtfully stopped to pick up dinner for Minseok before lugging his luggage to his leased apartment, even waiting patiently for the landlady to give Minseok his keys before walking him to his door. Then, they had hugged him goodbye. Junmyeon, who had been laughing and cracking jokes had gently held him and whispered, “Whatever it is that made you come back Hyung, I promise it will get better,” before he guided the others back to the car, declaring that he had it easier herding Jongin's cats. If that wasn't an odd thing for him to say, Jongin was now cuddling up to Jongdae, who hung his upper body outside of the car window, yelling goodbyes. 

 

Minseok had stood in his new apartment, unsure what had just happened to him. 

 

__ Every thought's when it gets late   
Put me in a fragile state   
I wish I wasn't going home   
Dealing with it on my own   
I'm praying but it's not enough   
I'm done, I don't believe in love   
Learning how to let it go   
Dealing with it on my own

 

Minseok may have also avoided telling Sehun about this move. Their bi-monthly phone call hadn't been pleasant. Sehun had stayed quiet through his rushed explanation before bursting out in an incredulous laughter. He had laughed and laughed. The usually joyous laugh had a harsh, metallic tinge to the sound, while Minseok had been silent. He had then asked if Minseok was ever honest with himself. Minseok hadn't known the answer to that question so he had remained silent, and the phone call had ended with Sehun having something to do - an euphemism that both of them had been using too much lately. They hadn't spoken since. Instead, Minseok did what he knew best - work. The pretty looking professor had been a hit with students, even though he could be very strict about work. 

 

Sehun had still called and he had answered, to a willful silence the next time. And again, when he had called until, Minseok had stopped answering. Not because his heart didn't bleed for Sehun. Not because everything hadn't reminded him of the younger man but because, somewhere along the way, Minseok had drawn a conclusion: he wasn't what Sehun had needed. When you're too damaged, you don't have anything to offer to someone else, regardless of your feelings for them. The best he could do was to let things go. So he had tried. 

 

His brothers (it wasn't a term he knew how to use yet, without his breath hitching) had dragged him out when they could. To the veterinary practice where he revamped the filing system and caused Jongin a panic attack as to how he would pay for it only to be waived off by a very annoyed Minseok. To Junmyeon and Jongdae's logistics firm where he had gone stir crazy and remapped their intranet with similar results from them. He had been dragged out to Yayoi Kusama's art installations by Junmyeon and made to take photos with him and of him, to aesthetically pleasing graffiti alleys and old bookstores. To little jazz bars at Yongsan-gu with Jongdae where he thinks he hears Sehun's favorite song. To musicals and ballets with action films by Jongin. They had gone to pet shelters and pojangmacha. To Junmyeon and Jongdae's apartment and his own where Jongin had almost moved in without any invitation. He sometimes took them to dinner and shyly asked the waitstaff to take a picture of him with his brothers. The only place he never went to was to visit his parents or his grandparents. Strangely, none of his siblings ever brought it up. He had been eternally grateful for that alone.

 

Most of the times, it didn't really hurt. Sehun was there at the back of his mind but frozen from the rest of everyday living. It only hurt when he was alone. During grocery shopping and he picked up a specific brand of cereals. During dinner when he cooked. During solitary drinking sessions while grading assignments when the mind tends to wander between the past and the present. He may have said something about being alone to Jongdae, he doesn't remember. They had been drinking steadily on a Saturday night. Minseok doesn't really think he said much but maybe it had been just enough. His brothers had started taking turns to stay over with him or, just carrying him off to their place for sleepovers when they didn't. 

 

They probably would have continued in the path of this loving stagnation throughout the year, if not for a little incident that brought everything to its head for Minseok; things he had been hiding out from, for far too long. 

 

__ I drive circles under street lights   
Nothing seems to clear my mind   
I can't forget   
It's inside my head, so   
I drive, chasing Malibu nights   
Nothing seems to heal my mind   
I can't forget

  
  


NB: Malibu Nights by LANY

 

A/N: hello! It has been a long time, hadn't it? I'm sorry. It's so hard to juggle things. If you're still reading, thank you. I hope your new year has been well so far!

  
  
  
  
  



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